Being True to Myself

I find myself alone when I "define." 
This is a place I have been many times in my life.
It's not good or bad.
It really makes me feel in touch with myself--being alone.

I'm not a hermit but I could be.
I need interaction and conversation,
But I do need my aloneness.
It rests/empowers me.

Maybe it's the "being true to oneself" voice.
I feel lucky to have that
But have strayed many times,
Resulting in agitation, regret, and redefining.

As I age, I find that I can connect to myself
More readily and survive the agitation.
Why does it take so long for some to get it?
I've always been a slow learner.

"Defining" is definitely the word for me this year. 
It's taxing, provoking, awakening, and journeying.
I'm searching Ancestry.com for some answers
And settling into some kind of acceptance.

It's an up and down journey this year.
It must be taken alone,
And I'm good at that.

Late Bloomer

"Defining" is hard work.
Why did I choose this word?
It's only the end of April, and I'm tired.
I don't want to "define" anymore.

I don't want to think/analyze anymore.
I can't change anything.
I guess I'm not a changer.
Not a rebel, not brave.

I know better now about many things.
But what good is it?
I want to sleep through the nights.
I don't want to define, think, stand up.

I'm not getting anywhere, not empowered.
I'm tired of thinking.
I can't think fast enough to defend
My thoughts and actions anyway.

Everyone else seems to be on track.
Isn't that what Facebook tells you?
I think too much.
I need to quiet the outbursts.

Tired.
Wondering.
Creeping back into myself.
I always was a late bloomer.

MUSINGS

Aging Means:

Defining who/where you really are.

Savoring more as you go along.

Realizing no one is looking at your seasonal decorations.

Enjoying your seasonal decorations because you and only you like
       them.

Listening to he History Channel more than ever.

Grabbing hints from the Food Channel instead of looking for the
       actual recipes.

Copying bird calls in the yard.

Talking to the birds and plants.

Relishing the antics of grandchildren because you're really not in
        charge.

Seeking out young people who still laugh out loud.

Sleeping in.

Avoiding to make early appointments.

Drinking the morning coffee until 10:30 and then some.

Laughing at yourself (a must).

Taking liberties you would have never done before.

Voicing your feelings (now being called a "brat").

Understanding like you have never before.

Staying up late.

Visiting the bathroom more at night.

Worrying more than ever because you have the time.

Eating and drinking before 8:00 p.m.

Appreciating the little things more and more.

Wanting to be swept away to new and last chance opportunities
          while still sleeping in your own bed at night.

Celebration

Long over due.
I notice some celebrate March
As New Year's Day.
I do, too, thanks to Ruth.

How else could I realize
I haven't been writing
When I use to write
Every day this month.

I celebrate Spring.
I celebrate the New Year.
I celebrate Writing
Because I think about it all the time!

Always thinking about March
And my writing friend Ruth.
Happy Spring!
Happy celebration!

DEFINE

From SAVOR to DEFINE.
I think I had that backwards.

The two are related.
After I DEFINE I do SAVOR what I find to be true.

Maybe SAVOR lead me to DEFINE.
DEFINING though is scary work.

TRUTH comes from DEFINING.
What to SAVOR? What to walk away from?

Take yourself seriously, quit hiding.
Be ready for what is revealed.


Thanks to Tammy's mom Marcy, I still have heart!

 

OLW

From

GLASS (2011)

to

TREASURE (2012)

to

ROCK (2013)

to

SAVOR (2014)

Comes

DEFINE (2015)

The list began this month:  begin, refresh, regain, pursue, re-generate.  None of these said what was really on my mind.  I read more blog posts. 

I came across Linda Baie's blog Teacherdance.org labeled #Mymustreadin2014 and 2015.  One book she wants to read is called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.  I bought it for my Kindle.  "Someone wrote a book about introverts--the real me?" I thought.  Who am I really, and what do I want to accomplish this year?

I came upon a poem from Jama Rattigan's blog, Jama's Alphabet Soup, jamarattigan.com. (01/09/2015 Friday Feast).  The poem by Barbara Crooker is called "AFTER THE HOLIDAYS" from her new book Small Rain.  I bought that book, too.  She writes poetry appreciating the small things in life. 

Crooker's words expressed the mood I was in with the cold and snow ending the holidays.  The word "define" then jumped out at me.  She referred to the new year and once again looking at our bodies, defining/firming our muscles.  Only I didn't think of my body or muscles--that has always been a challenge my whole life, new year or not.

I have already spent the last year savoring and deciding what's important in my life.  Is "defining" over kill?  I have a tendency to think too much sometimes and miss the "moment."  I'm also known for being blunt.  That scares me.  I don't want to hurt/offend anyone.  I do want to make a difference but at the same time embellishing "This is the way it is."  Rambling again.

Oh, my, "define" seems so strong of a word.  Do I need a word like this to "name," "identify," "illustrate," "decide," or "spell out" what I really want this year.  Maybe I need a word more lighthearted, spirited, sunny, or merry.  But I didn't choose them.

I will standby the word DEFINE, however.  Maybe it will surprise me.

You Know When It's a Good Word

When I become sad, complacent, bored,
I look to my One Little Word--
SAVOR.

Saw snow, wished for green.
See a little green, wish for leaves.
"Slow down," my mind says.

Remember, we must "savor" this year of 2014.
2013 it was "rock."
2012 was "treasure."
2011 was "ice."

All of these ring of
Strength and
Value.

So what's to value now?
No more snow piles.
No more temps in the teens and below.

We're moving up
As "they" say.
Just like life--
Up and then down and
Down and then up.

Savor the minutes,
Savor the days,
Savor the years.

There is no cause
For blandness
And dullness.

Savor the moments.
Life is rich
If you just stop and savor
What is good

Even for just
A moment.